(updated and revised from Va’etchanan 5765-2005)

This week’s parasha, parashat  Va’etchanan, is chock-full of extraordinary themes, including the texts of the Ten Commandments (Deuteronomy 5:6-18) and the opening paragraph of the preeminent Shema prayer (Deuteronomy 6:4-9).

In the very last chapter of parashat Va’etchanan, Deuteronomy 7, Moses returns to his mission of preparing the people of Israel for the new life they are to face in the land of Israel. Although they will encounter seven fierce Canaanite nations who appear to be greater and mightier than the people of Israel, the Israelites are told not to fear, for G-d will smite their enemies, and deliver them into the hands of Israel.

Moses sternly cautions the people not to seal any covenants with the local inhabitants of Canaan or to show them any favor. Maimonides explains that the ancient Israelites were permitted to show favor only to those non-Jews who accepted the seven Noachide principles. But those nations who refused to abide by even this lowest-common-denominator of civilization, were not to be shown any favor and were to be expelled from the land.

Moses then warns the people in G-d’s name (Deuteronomy 7:3): וְלֹא תִתְחַתֵּן בָּם, בִּתְּךָ לֹא תִתֵּן לִבְנוֹ, וּבִתּוֹ לֹא תִקַּח לִבְנֶך, You shall not intermarry with them; you shall not give your daughter to his son, and you shall not take his daughter for your son. According to most commentators, the Torah’s blanket prohibition against intermarriage applies to all non-Jews, even those who accept the seven Noachide principles.

Technically, of course, the legal concept of marriage does not pertain to gentiles in general, since the Jewish marriage, which is known as קִדּוּשִׁין, kiddushin–sanctification, cannot apply to anyone who is not Jewish. This verse therefore bans any “marriage-like” arrangement with a non-Jewish partner, irrespective of whether it is regarded as valid by secular authorities or not. Of course, anyone who converts to Judaism is welcome to join with the Jewish people and become part of the Jewish family through conversion and, when desired, a religious marriage.

The classical commentators differ about the applicability of intermarriage prohibition. Rabbeinu Bachya ben Asher maintains that, technically, the prohibition of intermarriage applies only to the seven original ancient nations of Canaan. Maimonides asserts that it applies to all gentiles who have not converted to Judaism, irrespective of their origin. Jewish law follows the more restrictive opinion of Maimonides.

The commentators also suggest different reasons for the prohibition of intermarriage. The author of Sefer HaChinuch suggests that intermarriage is unacceptable because a gentile marriage partner would inevitably cause the Jew to stray from Judaism due to the influence of such a close and constant relationship. He maintains that the children of such a union will invariably be brought up without any deep-rooted convictions to the Jewish religion. The Abarbanel suggests that the major attraction between a Jew and a non-Jew is usually physical, and that a marriage based primarily on sexual attraction will lead to the abandonment of Torah discipline.

In the year 1940 the rate of intermarriage among U.S. Jewry was reported to be “only” 6%. By 1990 it had soared to 52%! Today, among the non-Orthodox it is above 70%!! Ironically, the American Jewish community has lost far more people to the blandishments of the outside culture than they have to the swords and brutal weapons of our enemies. Studies have also reported that about 2/3 of the children raised in families of mixed marriages are not raised as Jews. Clearly, the American “melting pot” for which our grandparents prayed, has become a veritable “meltdown” of Jewish life.

While there is no single definitive solution to the problem of intermarriage, we do know that children who receive an intensive Jewish education intermarry at a much lower rate. This is quite amazing given the blandishments of American society and how thoroughly integrated and accepted the Jewish people are within the American framework. Jews used to worry about how much the gentiles “hate” them. Ironically, until the recent rise in antisemitism, Jews were more concerned about how much the non-Jews “love” them!

In light of this perceived “crisis,” many voices have been raised condemning intermarriage. Young people are often told that the strong cultural and religious differences between Jews and non-Jews make it virtually impossible for such interfaith marriages to succeed. This argument is hardly compelling since close to half of all marriages in America terminate in divorce in any case, and, frankly, the cultural differences between the average secular Jew and gentile are not at all great. Consequently, it should come as no great surprise that the average American Jew knows the words to “Deck the Halls with Boughs of Holly,” but has no idea of the words to the Chanukah hymn “Maoz Tzur.”

Young Jews are often told, in no uncertain terms, that intermarriage is a betrayal of the Jewish people, especially in light of the Holocaust. They are frequently lectured that they have a sacred duty to be faithful to their heritage because of Hitler and the other anti-Semites who wish to destroy the Jews. Again, this too, is hardly a compelling reason for a Jew not to marry a person not of the Jewish faith with whom they fall in love. More and more mainstream Jews today find the entire idea of opposition to intermarriage as “racist,” and proudly defend and publicize their intermarried status and their children’s decision to intermarry. That is why I feel strongly that Jews should marry within the Jewish faith, not for negative reasons, but for positive reasons—primarily because they feel a profound affinity to Judaism and the revolutionary message that Judaism conveys.

Once again, we discover that Jews who fail to have positive joyous Jewish experiences and positive Jewish educational exposure are particularly vulnerable to intermarriage. To my mind, the only compelling reason why a Jew should not marry out of the faith is because they truly feel part of Jewish destiny. If young Jews feel that they wish to join the historic Jewish effort “to perfect the world under the rule of the Al-mighty,” then they will not intermarry. If they do not feel that attachment to the Jewish ideal of being a “light unto the nations,” then they will follow their libidos and completely disregard any argument against intermarriage, no matter how rational or compelling.

Given the environment in which most Jews live, it is virtually impossible to guarantee marriages within Judaism. But, there is much that can be done to reduce the chances of intermarriage. Most importantly, parents must be certain to give their children positive, joyous Jewish experiences and provide them with a Jewish education that is intensive, exciting and meaningful.

But, in order to effectively transmit Jewish values to our children, we must first make certain that we feel these profound Jewish ideals in our own lives and translate them into practice, so that we ourselves serve as faithful role models for the next generation. (For more on this subject see Eikev 5780-2020)

May you be blessed.

The observance of the fast of Tisha b’Av, marking the destruction of the Jerusalem Temples, starts on Monday night, August 12th and continues through Tuesday night, August 13, 2024. Have a meaningful fast.

The Shabbat after Tisha b’Av is traditionally known as Shabbat Nachamu, in deference to the first of a series of seven haftarot (prophetic messages) of consolation, drawn from the book of Isaiah, that are read between Tisha b’Av and Rosh Hashana. נַחֲמוּ נַחֲמוּ עַמִּי, “Be comforted My nation,” are the opening words of Isaiah 40.

This year, the joyous festival of Tu b’Av, the fifteenth of Av, is celebrated on Sunday night and Monday, August 18-19, 2024. Happy Tu b’Av.

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