Last week's issue discussed the mitzvah of kibbud av va'em and the two aspects of the mitzvah. One aspect is that a child must provide services to his parents as "compensation" for the services that the parent provided to the child. The other aspect is the inherent obligation of the child to honor his parent regardless of the services that parent provided for the child. This week's issue will discuss the relationship of the mitzvah of kibbud av va'em to the mitzvah of mora av va'em, the mitzvah to show reverence to one's parents (Vayikra 19:3).

The Parameters of Kibbud and Mora
The Gemara, Kiddushin 31a, quotes a Beraita that states that kibbud involves activities such as feeding one's parents, dressing one's parents, escorting them from place to place, etc. Mora involves activities such as not sitting in one's parent's place, not standing in his place, not contradicting his statements etc. A simple observation would lead one to the conclusion that the mitzvah of kibbud is limited to activities that involve serving one's parents. The mitzvah of mora demands that one refrain from activities that show disrespect towards one's parents.

Nevertheless, some Acharonim claim that the mitzvot of kibbud and mora extend beyond what is stated in the Beraita. First, R. Yerucham F. Perlow, in his commentary to Sefer HaMitzvot LaRasag, Mitzvat Aseh no. 9, claims that any violation of mora will automatically be an additional violation of kibbud. By showing disrespect towards one parent, one also shows a lack of honor. [R. Perlow assumes that the mitzvah of kibbud extends beyond serving one's parents and includes all displays of honor.] Second, Maharal, Gur Aryeh, Vayikra 19:3 s.v. Eizehu Mora, claims that the Beraita only deals with activities that are exclusively kibbud and activities that are exclusively mora. However, there are activities that constitute both kibbud and mora.

Displaying Kibbud and Mora
The Gemara provides one example of kibbud which seems to indicate that kibbud extends beyond serving one's parents. The Gemara, Kiddushin 31b, quotes a Beraita that states that one must honor one's parents while they are alive and one must honor them after they have passed away. The example the Gemara provides for honoring them in life is mentioning their names as the source of benefit for a favor done for the child. The example the Gemara provides for honoring them in death is by stating "this is what my father, my master (abba mari) said, my statement shall serve as an atonement for him in death (hareini kaparat mishkavo)." Rambam, Hilchot Mamrim 6:4, in codifying this Beraita adds that one's words should always reflect honor and reverence for one's parents.

This Beraita and Rambam's addition, imply that kibbud goes beyond service and mora goes beyond refrain from disrespect. An outward display of honor and reverence does not fit either of those categories and nevertheless, Rambam considers it part of the mitzvah of kibbud and part of the mitzvah of mora.

Obeying One's Parents
The notion that kibbud and mora extend beyond service and refrain from disrespect is not universally accepted. Maharik no. 166, discusses a case where an individual wants to marry a certain woman and his father does not want him to marry that woman. Maharik rules that the son is not required to accede to the father's request. One of the reasons he provides is that obeying one's parent when the parent does not receive any direct benefit does not fall under the category of service nor does it fall under the category of refrain from disrespect. Maharik's ruling is codified by Rama, Yoreh De'ah 240:25. A similar position is found in the comments of Ramban, Yevamot 6a. Ramban states that obeying a parent's wishes when it provides no benefit to the parent is not part of the primary (ikar) mitzvah of kibbud av va'em.

Chazon Ish, Yoreh De'ah 149:8, claims that although obeying a parent is not the primary aspect of the mitzvah of kibbud av va'em, it is nevertheless part of the mitzvah. According to Chazon Ish, Maharik agrees that, in principle, obeying one's parents is part of the mitzvah of kibbud av va'em. However, there are times when the parent is expected to forgo his own desires and accommodate the desires of his child. If the parent does not forgo that desire, the child is not required to fulfill his request. Maharik is of the opinion that if a son wants to marry a certain woman, it is (usually) unreasonable for the father to request that the son refrain from marrying that woman, especially in light of the fact that the father does not directly benefit from this request. Therefore, if the father does not forgo that desire, the son is not required to fulfill that request.

R. Soloveitchik's Approach to Kibbud and Mora
R. Yosef D. Soloveitchik, [cited in "Kibud U'mora," in D. Shatz and J. Wolowelsky (eds.) Family Redeemed: Essays on Family Relationships pp. 143-157.] defines the parameters of kibbud and mora based on the comments of Rambam. Rambam, Hilchot Mamrim 6:7 states: "What is the extent of the mitzvah of kibbud av va'em? Even if one's parents take the child's wallet full of gold and throws it into the sea in his presence, he should not embarrass them, scream at them or get angry at them, rather, he should accept the Divine decree and remain silent. And what is the extent of mora? Even if he is wearing fine clothing and sitting in front of the congregation and his parents come and rip his clothing, hit him on the head and spit in his face, he should not embarrass them. Rather, he should remain silent and fear the King of Kings who commanded him to do so." Why is there a distinction between kibbud and mora?

R. Soloveitchik explains that there are four levels of relationship to another individual. The first level is "don't do to others what you would not want done to yourself" (Shabbat 31b). The second level is to do to others what you would want done to you if you were in that situation. Rambam, Hilchot Evel 14:1, describes this second level in his formulation of the mitzvah of ve'ahavata l'rei'acha kamocha. The third level is to treat others as equal with oneself.

This idea is reflected in the ruling of Ben Petura (Baba Metzia 62a) regarding two people who are stranded in a dessert with only enough water for one of them to drink in order to reach civilization. Ben Petura rules that both should drink, even if neither will survive long enough to reach civilization, rather than having one drink all of the water and survive, and leave his friend to die in the dessert. R. Akiva disagrees and maintains that the owner of the water should drink all of the water because saving his own life takes precedence over saving the life of others. Ben Petura is clearly of the opinion that one cannot place himself ahead of others when it comes to interpersonal relationships. Rather, one must treat his fellow as equal and they must share the water. The fourth level of relationship is placing others ahead of oneself.

R. Soloveitchik explains that although R. Akiva's opinion is normally accepted and one is not required to treat one's fellow as equal, regarding kibbud, one is required to treat one's parents as equal. Since there are situations when one would squander his own money in order to flaunt his riches, one must tolerate his parents doing something similar to him. However, the limits of mora extend beyond the third level to the fourth level. The mitzvah of mora demands that one must tolerate the actions of one's parents, even if it is something that one would never do onto himself. Therefore, even if one's parents publicly embarrass him, he must remain silent.