There is much written in Chazal about a man having to honor his wife. Shir HaShirim is an allegory of the love between Hashem and Knesset Yisrael written as a love between man and wife. This means that the man, from this perspective, should follow in the ways of Hashem by showing unbridled love to his wife. Hashem only gives - he does not take anything for himself. Certainly there is much the wife gives, including the most precious gift of all - his children. There is nothing wrong if the husband should accept, but as much as possible he should want to give.

How does Hashem feel about the Jewish people? After Bnei Yisrael crossed Yam Suf en route to the desert, their bitachon having already undergone several difficult trials which they passed - one of these tests took place while still in Egypt: "the Children of Israel journeyed from Rameses to Sukkot ... nor had they made provisions for themselves" (Shmot 12:37-39). Rashi writes: "this tells the praise of Israel, that they did not say 'how can we go out to the wilderness without provisions?' rather they believed and went" (Rashi Shmot 12:39). Almost one thousand years later, when Hashem was about to destroy the Beit HaMikdash as a result of the people's sins, Hashem recalls this faith: "I remember for your sake the kindness of your youth, the love of your bridal days, how you followed Me in the Wilderness in an unsown land" (Yirmiyahu 2:2).

After all the trials and tribulations, after many infractions by the Jewish nation, Hashem still fondly recalls the beginning of His relationship with the Jewish nation. By the same token we should love our wives as if each day was a recreation of our wedding or engagement. We followed Hashem in the desert without food or drink and without knowing what would become of us. By the same token a kallah follows her husband, who is generally still a young bachur without knowing what life with him would bring. Would he become a talmid chacham? Was he going to become a successful businessman? The husband must always be grateful that his wife followed him without knowing what was in store for her.

My Rebbe HaRav Dessler used to counsel a chatan and kallah that the secret to a happy marriage is to desire to give as much as possible. If each side simply wishes to take, this will lead to quarreling. When a person's wish is to give to the other as much as possible, he will be less critical about whether his wife lived up to her end of the bargain. Wishing to satisfy her needs and to appreciate all that she does for him is a recipe for a happy marriage. He must realize how much his wife gives him and how much she does for him. In addition to giving birth to his children she is very involved in their upbringing, not to mention all other household tasks which she has taken upon herself. The idea of appreciating what another does for us, of course, is not limited to husband and wife but applies there to a greater extent.

The Mishna staes: "On three things the world stands: on the Torah, on the Temple service, and on deeds of lovingkindness" (Pirke Avot 1:2). Does the world not stand on the merit of any of the other six hundred and thirteen Mitzvot, why were these three specifically chosen? It seems to me that these are the three primary categories of achieving closeness with Hashem, all other ways may be viewed as subcategories.

Man was created as a tzelem Elokim - in the image of Hashem. This means that we must try to emulate the ways of Hashem as much as possible and in this way to cleave to Him.

TORAH: By studying Torah we become close to Hashem on an INTELLECTUAL level and can gain some insight into His thoughts. We must realize that a human being in no way can comprehend Hashem's thoughts, as the prophet says: "As high as the heavens over the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts" (Yeshayahu 55:9). When a brilliant scholar, wise in the wisdom of Torah, or lehavdil in the sciences speaks, we may have difficulty understanding his words due to their profundity, but in the final analysis his thought process is no different than that of other human beings. He thinks in a causal manner - there is a cause and effect. The Gemara asks a question, and therefore provides an answer. Tosafot poses a difficulty and as a result reaches a conclusion. We lead our daily lives in such a manner as well: we are hungry so we go and buy food. Man's life is based on reasoning and logic, but Hashem is above all reason and He is the Reason for all reasons. No cause can require Hashem to do anything, Hashem's thoughts differ totally from our understanding of the term "thought", such that not only are we unable to reach the depths of His understanding, we cannot even attribute the notion of "thought" to Him.

Even someone as great as Moshe with all the Torah that he learned and continues to learn for the past thousands of years in Gan Eden, cannot fully understand the Torah or Hashem's thoughts. Yet Hashem gave us the Torah as a way in which we can get some inkling and come close to Hashem's thoughts.

AVODA: Avoda, or service, is the way in which we approach Hashem EMOTIONALLY. When man brings an offering upon the Altar, he should feel as if it is himself that he is sacrificing. If the offering is a chatat - sin offering, then he feels as if it is himself who deserves to be slaughtered upon the altar. If he is bringing a nedava - a donation, he should wish he could give himself as a gift to Hashem. Avraham Avinu was ready to offer his only son, and would have done so had Hashem not prevented him: "do not stretch out your hand against the lad" (Bereishit 22:12). If Avraham Avinu was not permitted to offer his son, then we certainly do not permit any form of human sacrifice. Instead, Hashem gave us the possibility of bringing animals, fowl, or Mincha offerings. We should feel, however, the desire to be ourselves sacrificed upon the Altar.

Today, we are no longer able to offer sacrifices. We try to achieve that same closeness to the A-lmighty through our prayers. We have a tremendous opportunity to stand before Hashem three times a day and to speak to Him - as a son stands before his father. We thank Him for all the good He has given us, and request that He will continue to shower us with good - with wisdom, repentance, forgiveness, redemption, and whatever we may need. We have an incredible opportunity, to bless Hashem one hundred times a day! It is known that people travel great distances to receive the bracha of a Rebbe or talmid chacham. This is only done on rare occasions such as prior to the Yamim Noraim, or for a shidduch, etc. In our case, Hashem lowers Himself, so to speak, to us - the dust of the earth. One hundred times daily He belittles Himself in order to receive our bracha. This is an incredible opportunity for closeness. We should desire to extend our prayers longer and longer, rather than attempt to conclude them in the quickest way possible. We are unable to spend our entire day in prayer, for we are obligated to study Torah as well. If we had the opportunity, however: "if only it were that man spend the entire day in prayer" (Brachot 21a). If we are unable to pray all day, the least we should do is make sure we do not daydream during the little time we are able to spend in prayer.

GEMILLUT CHASSADIM: Gemillut Chassadim is the way we cleave to Hashem through our ACTIONS. We have said that we cannot apply the idea of causality when speaking of Hashem, yet our minds can only follow a line of reasoning. When we attempt to explain the reason Hashem created the world, we must say that it was to provide good for all His creations. Hashem "searched" for whom to provide this good, and because no one existed yet, He had to create the world - beginning with the administering angels and ending with man, vegetation, insects, and the rest of the creation. "Hashem is good to all, His mercies are on all His works" (Tehillim 145:9) - each element of creation serves a purpose and can receive Hashem's goodness. The more a person gives the closer he comes to Hashem and the more he takes, the more he distances himself from Him.

The following parable from R' Sholom Schwadron zt"l illustrates this point very well: There are two storeowners who are selling the identical goods: The one shopkeeper's sole purpose is a desire to help others, to give his fellow Jews whatever they need, be it challa, meat, fish, etc. If he were to simply hand everything out without any payment in a very short time his supply would be depleted and he would not have the means with which to replenish it. In addition, he needs to be able to survive and feed his family in order to be able to better serve his customers. He has no choice but to accept payment from his customers. The other storeowner is selling the same goods but he is only interested in making a profit and in taking from others. The problem he faces is that if he were to simply hang up a sign "we receive money here", it is doubtful that anyone will enter his store. The only choice he has is to provide goods for his customers so that they should want to pay him.

These two shopkeepers work in an identical fashion - they provide merchandise to customers and take money for it. What a difference, however, is there between the two! The former's taking is a form of giving, for it is only a means by which he can continue to give to others. The latter, on the other hand, gives in order to take - his giving is the means by which he can continue to take from others. The former's business brings him closer to Hashem, because he is following in the ways of the A-lmighty, just as He gives but never takes. While with the other shopkeeper, the very same transactions distance him from Hashem because he only takes.

We all need to take from this world, for we cannot live without air, food, clothing, and water. However, we should try to give as much as possible. This applies to every person, certainly to a man and wife. The man (the woman too, but I am speaking here to a group of men) must try his best to be a giver. When each side has a desire to give then this will create peace and harmony in the home, otherwise the sholom bayit is in danger.

We must be very careful not to disturb the sholom bayit, the destruction of the home can begin with little things that can then escalate. When your wife cooks food for you, complement her - tell her it was delicious. Do not say, the fish was not good, the potatoes could have been better. Such behavior may not immediately lead to divorce but it can be the beginning of the cooling off period. Even if the food is not as good as you would like you should complement her. Always give her complements - not only about the food but about other things as well such as the clothes she is wearing - this also shows that you are interested in her. Always demonstrate and tell her how much you love her, don't look to criticize what she has done wrong.

If the food is burnt, don't get angry. Who knows? Perhaps she was interrupted with a telephone call in the middle which she thought was going to take a minute but stretched to ten minutes. Take it in stride, forgive her. After all, Chazal teach us that women took nine out of ten portions of sicha. The story is told about a man who whatever his wife would make he would always remark: "that was very good, but it is not like the way my mother makes it". Time and again that was his reaction to her cooking. One day she came to him crying: "I'm sorry dear but I received a telephone call in the middle and accidentally burnt the food". He responded: "now it is like the way my mother makes it".

A man must teach his children to love their mother, to respect her. Although the Gemara writes that a child naturally respects his mother more than his father, but the man has to make sure not to disturb that respect - not to create any jealousy or quarrels. There are always disagreements but they should be solved before going to sleep. The Gemara writes that before going to bed we should forgive whoever may have wronged us, how much more so does this apply to his wife.

We read in last week's parsha the mitzvah of "Ve-ahavta lere-acha kamocha" you should love your fellow Jew as yourself. Chazal tell us that this applies first and foremost to a person's wife. How must he love his wife as himself? Just as he would never say: "I would love myself if not for this negative character trait" he should not say "I would love her more if she would only improve in this area." That is wrong! He must love every Jew unconditionally and certainly his wife.

Obviously a person must clarify before marrying her whether she possesses the Torah, yirat Shamayim, and middot you are looking for, and even to check whether you find her physically attractive. But no matter what you are commanded to love her after being married.

Chazal refer to the love between man and wife as "ishto kegufo" - they are one unit. There is a famous story about HaRav Aryeh Levin zt"l who took his wife to the doctor and said: "my wife's leg is hurting us" - he truly felt her pain. This applies in all areas. We must realize that although we are created in Hashem's image, each of us makes up only half of the tzelem Elokim - our wife is the complement - without his wife he is not a full tzelem Elokim.

At the end of Parshat Yitro we are warned not to make "elohei kesef velohei zahav". Rashi comments that this refers to making four cherubim instead of the required two. Why does Rashi not say three instead of two? Just as four are too many so are three. We can explain that one cherub is not considered a shape - two represent the man and wife and that is considered one unit. Thus the prohibition to add an extra unit means adding two more individuals.

The bottom line is that we should strive to make life good for her by wishing to only give. A woman must not feel that she was acquired for a mere perutah and must now act like a slave for 120 years. She must be made to feel that the best place in the world she could possibly be is with her husband and children - this is the key to success - this is the key to true sholom bayit.