PARENTS - PARTNERS OF HASHEM IN THE CREATION OF MAN

Aseres HaDibros - the Ten Commandments - play a central role in our Parsha. We generally divide these commandments into two sections - the first five containing mitzvoth bein adam laMakom - laws between man and G-d, while the latter five commandments are mitzvoth bein adam lachavero - laws between man and his fellow man (see Ramban Shmos 20:13).

There is another possible way we can divide these commandments:
The first three mitzvoth relate to man's relationship with His Creator (belief in His Uniqueness, not to worship other gods, and not to impinge upon His honor by taking an oath with His Name in vein). The latter five commandments relate to man's relationship with other members of the creations (do not murder, steal, covet, etc.). The fourth and fifth commandments - to observe the Shabbat and to honor one's father and mother are Mitzvot that relate to the connection between the Creator and man. Shabbat is testimony that "in six days Hashem made the heavens and the earth" (Shmos 20:11) - that a Creator created this world. Kibbud av vaem also highlights the connection between the Creator and man. One's parents are Hashem's partners in the creation of man, as Chava remarked upon the birth of Kayin: "I have acquired a man with Hashem" (Bereishis 4:1) - "when He created me and my husband, He created us by Himself, but in the birth of this child, we are partners with Him" (Rashi there).

(This partnership with Hashem is perhaps alluded to in the fact that the mitzvah of kibbud av vaem begins with the letter chof whose numerical value is twenty. This corresponds to the twenty characteristics in total which a person receives from the three partners in his creation - five from his father, five from his mother, and ten from Hashem (see Nidda 31 and Tosafot Baba Kamma 25a "kal vachomer" for details). On a similar note, we can find allusions within the other commandments based on their opening letter. For example, the opening commandment Anochi Hashem Elokecha begins with the letter aleph whose numerical value is one. This alludes to Hashem's Uniqueness in this world. We are commanded in our Parsha to observe the Shabbat - "zachor et Yom HaShabbat lekadsho" beginning with the letter zayin whose numerical value is seven referring to the Seventh Day. In Parshas Vaeschanan this commandment is written as shamor et Yom HaShabbat lekadsho beginning with the letter shin which is also the first letter of the word sheva meaning seven.)

Chazal ascribed great importance to the fulfillment of the mitzvah to honor one's parents, as the following story illustrates:
"R' Tarfon treated his mother with such respect that whenever she wanted to climb into bed he would bend down and she would climb on his back into it, and whenever she descended from the bed she would descend on him to reach the floor" (Kiddushin 31b).
As noble a gesture as this appears to be, he was told by the Sages:
"you have not yet reached half of the honor one can bestow upon his parents!" (ibid.)
What you have done is not even half of what the Torah demands from us in this mitzvah. Similarly:
"whenever Rav Yoseph heard the footsteps of his mother, he would say: 'I shall stand before the Divine Presence, which is approaching'" (ibid. - see Maharsha who explains why he saw in his mother's approach the arrival of the Divine Presence.

The Gemara continues:
"when R' Yochanan's mother was carrying him, his father died, and as soon as he was born, his mother died" (ibid.)
As an orphan from birth, R' Yochanan remarked: "'Happy is one who never saw his parents'" (ibid.)

What did he mean?
"Since it is impossible to honor one's parents properly, a child will inevitably be punished on account of them" (Rashi there),
it is so difficult to properly meet the demands that this mitzvah places upon us. Regarding other mitzvoth we rejoice at being able to fulfill them, even though at times this entails a significant financial loss (e.g. having to destroy chametz and to observe Shabbos), yet regarding kibbud av vaem, R' Yochanan exclaimed "happy is one who never saw his parents!". Perhaps he would not have made such a statement if he had actually seen his own parents. In any event, for us, R' Yochanan's statement contains an entire Torah. We see the enormity of the Mitzvah to honor our parents and how difficult it is to properly fulfill it.

IN THE MERIT OF KIBBUD AV VAEM

The prophet tells us:
"after honor, He will send me to the nations who despoil you" (Zecharia 2:12).

What is the meaning of "after honor"? Chazal explain that the A-mighty will only really mete out punishment to the nations who have oppressed us when they have used up the credit they have stored in the merit of Esav's honoring his father (See Rashi there and Yalkut Shimoni Remez 808). The thousands of years of dominion of the nations of the world are due to honor which Esav bestowed on Yitzchak Avinu. While it is true that this "honor" was mere lip service - "he said one thing with his mouth and thought another thing in his heart" (Midrash Tehillim 14), for when it came to the moment of truth he said "may the days of mourning for my father draw near" (Bereishis 27:41) - indicating that he wished for his father to die soon so that he could take his revenge on Yaakov - thus he did not truly honor his father, but he at least gave the external appearance of honoring his parents. We are told that Esav would regularly prepare fine foods for his father (see Onkelos Bereishis 25:28 and Bereishis Rabba 63:10), and he attached great importance to Yitzchak's blessing. Therefore it is written: "After honor, He will send me to the nations who despoil you". Until this merit of Esav's, due to the honor he accorded his father, has been exhausted, we cannot have any authority over the other nations. Such is the magnitude of the reward for observing the mitzvah of kibbud av vaem.

We can learn this from another source as well. After the flood, Noach became drunk and uncovered himself within his tent. Ham, his son, saw his father's nakedness and went outside to tell his brothers. When Noach woke up and discovered how his son had debased him, he cursed him saying:
"cursed is Canaan, a slave of slaves shall he be to his brothers" (Bereishis 9:25).

While in general, Hashem's punishment does not extend beyond the fourth generation:
"for I am Hashem, your G-d - a zealous G-d, Who visits the sin of fathers upon children, upon the third and upon the fourth generations for those who hate Me" (Shmos 20:5 and see Rashi there).

When it came to Canaan, however, the curse is in effect to this day - even though four thousand years have passed! Ham's descendants may no longer be slaves, yet even today they are the most despised among the nations.

Hashem Himself used a similar language, saying:
"Cursed is one who degrades his father or mother" (Devarim 27:16).

If man's curse remains in effect for four thousand years, certainly the curse of G-d will remain in effect for much longer. When, conversely, we take into account that "(Hashem's) aspect of doing good is greater than the aspect of punishment by a ratio of one to five hundred" (Rashi Shmos 20:6), we will not even be able to estimate or imagine the size of the reward awaiting one who properly honors his parents.

THE SIMPLEST ACTS CAN BUY US A SHARE IN THE NEXT WORLD

I once heard from R' Sholom Schwadron zt"l that there are so many acts a person routinely carries out, some of which are also performed by non-Jews (lehavdil), which could easily constitute a mitzvah if only we would have the right intent. For example, if someone asks us "what is the time" we can respond: "the time is 11:00" and presumably a non-Jew would give the same answer. If, however, when we reply we have in mind that we are observing Hashem's mitzvoth, we can thereby fulfill the mitzvah of "you shall go in His ways" (Devarim 28:9) and "love your fellow as yourself" (Vayikra 19:8). Perhaps if we are particular about responding with the precise time we also adhere to the commandment of:
"Distance yourself from a false word" (Shmos 23:7).

Many mitzvoth can be performed with this one simple act. Of course, one should not spend too much time concentrating on leShem Yichud prior to answering the question, for by the time he has finished doing so, the time will have changed! The person asking wishes to know the current time and not the time fifteen minutes ago. (Some commentators explain that the reason Chazal did not institute a bracha for the mitzvah of tzedaka is so that the hungry destitute man will not be kept waiting while we say our blessing!). As much as is possible, however, it is good practice to keep in mind with every such routine act that we are performing an act of chesed or whatever other mitzvah is appropriate for the occasion.

On a similar note, the following story is told of the Sabba from Slobodka zt"l. He once took ill and one of his disciples came to assist him. The Sabba asked his student if he would bring him a glass of water. The student went and fulfilled his Rebbe's wish bringing him the water he requested. The Sabba then asked the student "why did you agree to bring the glass of water I asked you for?" The student, taken aback, responded: "what does the Rebbe mean? My Rebbe, a Talmid Chacham, a great scholar in Torah and Mussar asks for water, am I not obligated to serve him?" The Sabba from Slobodka responded: "and if the person is not a Talmid Chacham then need you not bring him a cup of water? You are even "permitted" to bring water to someone who is not sick if he is unable to get it for himself". We see that with the simplest acts we can acquire a share in the Next world. We need only think a little, if we just pay attention to what we are doing and have in mind that our acts are for the sake of fulfilling of mitzvoth.

The same may be said regarding honoring our parents. The simplest act a person does for his parents (e.g. bringing them a glass of water, opening the door for them) with the intent of fulfilling the mitzvah of kibbud av vaem incurs tremendous reward even though we would have performed the same acts without the commandment. The Torah explicitly tells us:
"Honor your father and your mother, as Hashem, your G-d, commanded you, so that your days will be lengthened and so that it will be good for you" (Devarim 5:16).

Chazal expound:
"'so that it will be good with you' to the world that is entirely good, 'so that your days will be lengthened' to the world that is entirely long" (Kiddushin 39b).

Eternal reward awaits one who properly heeds this mitzvah.

PERFORM THE MITZVAH IN ORDER THAT YOUR DAYS SHALL BE LENGTHENED

We have emphasized the reward for fulfilling this mitzvah and not without reason. Although generally speaking it is better for a Jew to observe a Mitzvah for its own sake rather than for the sake of being rewarded, as Chazal tell us: "Be not like servants who serve their master for the sake of receiving a reward, rather be like servants who serve their master not for the sake of receiving a reward." (Pirke Avos 1:3), yet when it comes to the mitzvah of kibbud av vaem it may actually be fitting to think about the reward. Why is this so?

The well-known opinion of the Bach (see Tur Orach Chaim siman 8 and cited by Mishna Brura 8:19) is that when carrying out the three mitzvoth in which the Torah uses the word lemaan "in order that" (i.e. tzitzis, tefillin, and sukkah), one should concentrate on the reasons given for these mitzvoth. In other words, when a Jew dons tzitzis, in addition to fulfilling a positive Torah commandment, he must have the intent that his tzitzis serve as a reminder of all of Hashem's mitzvoth:
"so that - you may remember and perform all My commandments". (Bamidbar 15:40)

When a Jew puts on his tefillin he must consider that he is doing so in order that the Torah of Hashem be in his mouth, as it says:
"and it shall be for you a sign on your arm and a reminder between your eyes - 'lemaan' - so that - Hashem's Torah may be in your mouth" (Shmos 13:9).

When dwelling in the sukkah one must keep in mind that he is reminding himself that Hashem took us out from Egypt and put us in sukkot:
"You shall dwell in booths for a seven-day period; every native in Israel shall dwell in booths. lemaan - so that - your generations will know that I caused the Children of Israel to dwell in booths when I took them from the land of Egypt" (Vayikra 23:42-43).

We can thus say that the Mitzvah of kibbud av vaem falls into the same category and a person should contemplate that he is fulfilling this mitzvah in order that he be granted long life:
"Honor your father and your mother, as Hashem, your G-d, commanded you, lemaan - so that - your days will be lengthened and so that it will be good for you".

We can now understand the following Gemara:
"a man was brought in to the court for not honoring his father and mother. They bound him to have him flogged whereupon Rami said to them: 'leave him alone for it has been taught: every commandment in which its reward is explicitly written, does not fall within the jurisdiction of the courts (to coerce those who do not wish to fulfill it)'" (Chullin 110b).

Given that the Torah informs us of the reward for honoring our parents, the courts have no right to coerce people into doing so.

From where did Chazal get this idea that when the Torah explicitly states the reward, Beis Din has no means of enforcing it? Are we not commanded: "judges and officers shall you appoint" (Devarim 16:18) - to set up courts in order to coerce our fellow Jews into fulfilling the dictates of the Torah (if they have a strong enough hand with which to do so). Why do they lack this power when it comes to mitzvoth in which the reward is explicitly stated? I believe that the Gemara's understanding of the pasuk is: "Honor your father and your mother, as Hashem, your G-d, commanded you, so that your days will be lengthened" - observe the Mitzvah so that your days shall be lengthened and not because Beis Din tells you to do so under the threat of lashes. Beis Din therefore cannot enforce such a mitzvah. This is the source regarding all those mitzvoth in which their reward is explicitly stated (such as giving charity).

REVERING ONE'S PARENTS

In addition to the mitzvah of honoring our parents, which involves catering to the needs of the parents ("what is honor ... honor means that one must give food and drink, dress and cover them, bring them in and take them out" (Kiddushin 31b). The Torah commands us to revere our parents:
"every man, your mother and father shall you revere" (Vayikra 19:3).

"What is reverence? Reverence means that one may not stand in their place and he may not sit in their place, he may not contradict their words and he may not offer an opinion (in a halachic debate to which his father is a party)" (Kiddushin 31b).

Not to contradict one's parents applies to action as well as speech. In speech this means not to say the opposite of what they say. An example of not contradicting them by your actions is: when your mother tells you "put on your coat it is cold outside", you should not stubbornly respond: "I am not cold and I refuse to wear my coat!" The least you should do is in a respectful manner tell her: "mom I find wearing a coat very difficult, it makes me too hot". Do not simply ignore her - reverence requires you to at least relate to what she said. It is not clear if the halacha would require you to wear your coat when not in her presence. If she instructed you "do not go out today without a coat" and she is not at home and does not see, it is not clear if it would still be forbidden for you to walk outside without a coat. Certainly in her presence you may not act in a way that opposes what she has said.

One of the descendants of R' Chaim of Brisk zt"l related an insightful observation of R' Chaim's son. He asked him: "What is the difference between the way we children honor our father and the way R' Baruch Ber honors him? (R' Baruch Ber Leibowitz zt"l, author of Birkat Shmuel, was R' Chaim's close disciple and there was no limit to the honor he accorded his Rebbe). He explained: The difference is that if our father would come into the room and point to a chair and tell us that it is really a cow, out of respect for him we would not sit in the chair so long as he was present in the room. Once he leaves, however, we would sit on it, for we can see with our own eyes that it really is a chair and not a cow. R' Baruch Ber, on the other hand, would take a pail and try to milk the chair!" (Who knows, perhaps one with such a high level of emunas chachamim - belief in the words of our Sages - can succeed in milking the chair.) R' Chaim of course never said anything so ludicrous so this difference never became a practical issue. What we do see from here is that neither R' Baruch Ber nor R' Chaim's sons would have dared sit in his presence on a chair which he said was really a cow. Even had he uttered such nonsense they would not have acted in a manner that contradicted what he said.

Furthermore, let us say one's father is in the midst of an argument over what the capital of Russia is. Even if his father is right and says that it is Moscow while the other claims that it is Warsaw, one may not say "my father is right". Why not? Because this also shows a lack of reverence for your father - he does not need your approval! (see Shulchan Aruch 240:2) If your father asks you to get involved and to give your opinion, then you may say that your father is right. If, however, he does not ask for your opinion, it would be disrespectful even to say that he is correct.

The Shulchan Aruch adds: "one is required to stand in the presence of his father" (Yoreh Deah 240:7). In the words of the Rambam "he must stand before him the way he would stand in the presence of his Rav" (Hilchos Mamri 6:3). This obligation to stand totally upright we learn from R' Yoseph whom we cited earlier: "I shall stand before the Divine Presence, which is approaching". At times the father may choose to forego his honor - he may not want his son to stand up very time he enters the house and he may be interested in hearing whether or not his son seconds his opinion. Even when the parents forego their honor, the children are still obligated to accord them some token honor, as the Gemara says regarding one's Rav:
"if a Rav renounces his honor, his honor is renounced ... nevertheless they should accord him some token honor" (Kiddushin 32a-b).

This means "to rise a bit as if he wishes to stand in his presence" (Rashi there). The child must react in some way to his parents' presence, he must not act as if just any person had entered the room. Certainly degrading one's parents is forbidden. Some authorities are of the opinion that the parents may not forego their honor when their children degrade them. Cursing one's parents, G-d forbid, is one of the most severe sins found in the Torah and is punishable with death by stoning (Mishna Sanhedrin 53a).

PARENTS ARE "THE GREAT AND NOBLE PEOPLE OF THE LAND"

Even if one treats his parents as we have said: standing up in their presence, serving them food, putting on one's coat when told to do so, as well as all the obligations of honor mentioned in the Gemara and poskim, yet he only does so because the Torah obligates him to, then he has not fulfilled his obligation. The Sefer Chareidim elaborates on this and warns that even if one were to honor his mother and father in the way he acts and speaks according to all the chapters of the Shulchan Aruch yet in his heart he does not accord them any honor, not only has he not fulfilled this Mitzvah, he comes into the category of "Accursed is one who degrades his father or mother". The Torah way to honor one's parents entails not only words and actions, but our hearts as well: "He should envision in his heart that they are great and noble people of the land. This is the principle way to respect them, and so doing will most certainly lead to honoring them with words and action" (Sefer Chareidim perek 9, note 35).

This seems very difficult - how can there be an obligation upon every person to honor his parents as if they are "great and noble people of the land". After all, not every father is R' Chaim of Brisk! - most fathers and mothers are simple Jews. My Rebbe HaGaon HaRav Chaim Shmuelevitz zt"l explained it this way: Every Jew has one characteristic in which he excels above everyone else. In that particular virtue, he is the gadol hador. This does not obligate others to stand in his presence every time he enters the Beis Midrash, but it does have halachic ramifications for his own children. The child must pay particular attention to those traits that place his father and mother head and shoulders above others. When he does so, he will be able to honor them "as great and noble people of the land", and not simply out of obligation.

FUNDAMENTALS OF TORAH COME FROM THE PARENTS

In addition to the obligation to honor his parents as a means of fulfilling the mitzvah of kibbud av vaem, there is perhaps another additional reason they must be honored. The parents are the child's rabo muvhak - primary teacher, and the child may be obligated to honor his parents from that perspective as well. Why should a person's parents be considered his rabo muvhak? Because they instilled the child with the fundamentals of Torah. The parents educated the child to believe in Hashem's existence and in His Uniqueness. The parents taught the child to recite "Shma Yisrael Hashem Elokenu Hashem Echad" "Hear O Israel, Hashem is our G-d, Hashem is the One and Only" (Devarim 6:4), they taught him to keep Shabbos, and showed him what Shabbos, Pesach, the Seder, the Yomim Noraim, and Sukkos look like. At a later stage he entered the Yeshiva and learned even more - he learned that Rabenu Tam claims that Shabbos ends at this time, while according to the Gr"a it ends at a different time. He learned that there is a difference of opinion amongst the Rishonim regarding whether the majority of each of the four cups must be drunk at the Seder or it is not required. Notwithstanding all the knowledge he will amass while in the Yeshiva, it is his father and mother who provided him with the fundamentals. One who had the privilege of being raised in a religious home, therefore, should perhaps treat his parents with the status of rabo muvhak.

If later on he merits becoming the gadol hador then perhaps his parents would no longer be viewed as rabo muvhak. It is told of the MaHaram MiRotenberg that from the day he rose to greatness, he did not go out to greet his father and did not wish for his father to come and see him. This is because he was not sure who had to stand up for whom - should he stand up for his father or perhaps his father should stand up for him? Given that the doubt involved a Torah law, he preferred not to get involved at all (Rama 240:7, Taz 9). The majority of the world do not attain the greatness of the Mahara"m M'Rotenberg and it would appear that in almost all cases the child is obligated to honor his parents not only from the perspective of kibbud av vaem, but also from the perspective of rabo muvhak, because he acquired the principles of faith and the fundamentals of the laws of the Torah from them. In addition, in most cases the parents support the child's learning in cheder or in Yeshiva and in my humble opinion this may grant them the status of rabo muvhak as well.

HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER EVEN IF IT MEANS KNOCKING ON DOORS

In addition to all of the above, a person owes a tremendous debt of gratitude towards his parents. His parents, after all are Hashem's partners in bringing him into the world. If so, just as we must thank the A-lmighty for each breath we take (see Bereishis Rabba 14:9), for the air He gives us to breathe, for our supper and our breakfast, and for all the infinite things he has given us, to a certain extent we must thank our mothers and fathers for these things. Had it not been for my father and mother, I would not have what to be grateful for, I would not breathe, I would not have supper, or breakfast, or anything else. They raised me with great dedication, they cared for all my needs, and rose in the middle of the night to take care of me. How much more is this the case regarding parents who brought their children not only into this world but into the Next World as well by educating them in the way of Torah and Mitzvot and by sending them to Yeshiva. In that case there is no limit to the gratitude that man owes his parents.

The Gemara states:
"Scripture puts the honor due one's father and mother on the same level as the honor due the Omnipresent" (Kiddushin 30b).

R' Shimon ben Yochai teaches us that the obligation to honor our parents goes even beyond the obligation to honor Hashem. Regarding Hashem we learn "honor Hashem with your property" (Mishle 3:9) - if you have assets you must honor Him, if you do not then you are absolved from doing so (i.e. if you do not have the means to purchase objects of mitzvah, then you are not required to observe the mitzvoth of tefillin, lulav, sukkah, and many other mitzvoth that involve expenditures). Regarding kibbud av vaem, however, the Torah simply states:
"honor your father and your mother" (Shmos 20:12) - "whether you have assets or whether you do not have assets, you must honor your father and mother, even if it means knocking on doors!" (Yerushalmi Peah perek 1, halacha 1).

This means, claims R' Shimon ben Yochai, that a person is obligated to raise the funds needed to properly honor his parents. Although the halacha does not concur with this view (see Shulchan Aruch Yoreh Deah 240:65), R' Shimon's opinion comes to teach us how strict the Torah was when it comes to this Mitzvah.

How can we pay off the massive debt we owe our parents? Of course, being at home presents many opportunities for doing so. Even in the Yeshiva, however, there is the opportunity to fulfill the mitzvah of kibbud av vaem in a wonderful manner. If one's time in Yeshiva is utilized to advance his learning, all the credit goes to the parents - what greater respect can a person give his parents, for this is true honor! If his parents are no longer alive, then every chiddush in Torah provides them with great honor in Gan Eden (see Zohar Chadash Ruth 84:3). In this way a person can pay back part of the great debt he owes his parents.

Practically speaking, it seems to me that the more we try to pay off this debt the more it grows. Why? Because each time we fulfill the mitzvah of kibbud av vaem, we now owe them hakaras hatov for having afforded us the opportunity to fulfill this mitzvah. Therefore the more we honor our parents the greater this debt grows. There is therefore no possibility of paying back the debt. Of course, Hashem will never demand that we pay off a debt which is impossible to pay. As much as possible, however, we must try to at least scratch the surface of this debt.

Chazal teach us:
"when a person honors his father and his mother, the Holy One, Blessed is He says: 'I consider it as if I had lived among them and they had honored Me'" (Kiddushin 30b).

On the other hand, "when a person distresses his father and his mother, the Holy One Blessed is He says:
'I did the right thing in not living among them for had I lived among them, they would have distressed Me'" (ibid.).
Honoring our father and mother makes us worthy of having the Divine Presence reside among us. If we honor Hashem's partners in creation, then we will honor the Creator even more so! For this reason Hashem wishes to come and dwell among us, to restore His Divine Presence to Zion speedily in our day, to rebuild the Beis HaMikdash so that we may actively honor Him. HaKadosh Baruch Hu does not eat or drink, yet He commanded us to act towards Him as if He does eat and drink:

"My offering, My food for my fires, My satisfying aroma, shall you be scrupulous to offer to Me in its appointed time" (Bamidbar 28:2).

May it be the will of Hashem that we merit offering "continual offerings in their order and Mussaf offerings according to their laws" speedily in our day, Amen.